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Jokes
Please email me your favourites jokes so I can put some fresh ones up here - newest at the top.
What's red and yellow and looks good on scallies? Fire
Why was the dyslexic pimp unhappy? He just found out he'd bought a warehouse.
A man goes into the psychiatrists wearing cling film shorts, the psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
An middle-aged women is at Tesco by the checkout, a young man is filling her shopping bags, she watches him carefully to make sure he is doing it correctly. At the end her asks her if she wants the shopping taken to her car, she says yes. Once outside the lady comes leans close to the man and says quietly "I have an itchy pussy", to which he replies," You'll have to point it out to me, I'm not very good with those Japanese cars!".
"I was walking up a hill not so long ago, along a very narrow path, only just wide enough for one person. Coming down from the hill was a gorgeous completely naked lady, well, I didn't know whether to toss my self off or to block her passage!"
The owner of an old Mini breaks down on the motorway, fortunately a Ferrari pulls up and offers to tow the car. The Ferrari owner says " If I go too fast just flash your lights and I'll slow down". A few miles later a Porsche flies by the Ferrari and the Mini, the Ferrari owner is really angry and so he speeds up to chase the Porsche, the cars soon overtake a police car. The copper says to his co-worker, "Did you see that! A Ferrari and a Porsche clocked at 150mph!!". His friend says," Nah! Did you see the Mini flashing its lights trying to get past!!".
An young performer goes to the club to set up for his show later that evening. On his way in the doorman asks, "Are you a hypnotist?", the young man replies, "No". Once inside someone else asks," Are you a hypnotist?", the young man again replies, "No". He finishes setting up when yet another man asks," Are you a hypnotist?", the young man replies, "No! Why is everyone asking if I'm a hypnotist?!"."Well," says the man, "We had a hypnotist in here not long ago, he managed to pull in a 400 strong audience. Once he had them all hypnotised he tripped on his microphone cable and yelled 'Oh shit!', it took us three weeks to clean up the mess!"
On walking into his local, Dave sees his mate Jeff looking depressed at the bar, and asks him what's wrong. "Well," replies Jeff, "you that girl at the office, the one I get an erection over overtime I see?" "Yes", says Dave with a grin. "Well, I asked her out and she agreed." Jeff answered. That's great," says Dave," when are you going out with her then?"."I went to meet her this evening, but I was so worried about getting a hard-on that I sellotaped my todger to my leg. I got to her house and she opened the door in the smallest most see though dress you have ever seen!"."And what happened?! asked Dave, Jeff shuffles to the bar. "I kicked her in the face."
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up". "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10 . . . 20 . . . 30 . . . 40 . . . 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 0 . . . 20 . . . 30 . . . 40 . . . 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10 . . . 20 . . . 30 . . . 40 . . . 50 . . . 60 . . . 70 . . . 80 . . . 90 . . . 100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the pavement. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk".
A young lady was waiting at the bus stop ready for a night out, the bus arrived but she realized that her mini-skirt was too tight for her to get her leg on to the first step of the bus. So she unzipped it a bit ,still she couldn't reach, so did it again, still to no avail. The third time she literally removed the skirt and was about to take a step up when a man put his arms around her waist and lifted her on to the step. She turned around hitting him screaming 'sexual harassment' ,he replied, " Well you unzipped my flies three times so I thought we were friends."
A rich couple go out for the evening telling their butler that he can have the evening off, the wife gets very bored whilst out and so tells her husband that she wants to go home early, he however is enjoying himself and so stays. The wife arrives home and tells the butler to follow her up to her room, he does. Once their she asks him to take off her dress he carefully removes it, then she asks him to take off her skirt, he tenderly unzips her skirt. She then asks him to remove the bra, so gingerly he takes off the bra. finally she says to him, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again , you're fired!!"
A religious meeting is being held in the local church hall, the speaker begins. " How many of you have seen a ghost?" about half the group raise their hand, the speaker asks " How many of you have Spoken to a ghost?" about a quarter put their hand up, so the speaker asks "How many of you have touched a ghost?" Two people raise their hand. So the speaker the speaker asks "Well then how many of you have had SEX with a ghost?????"" One man raises his hand. The speaker asks "Have you really had sex with a ghost?!?!?" The man says "Oh sorry I thought you said goat"
A beautiful sexy women went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out of the window. Straight away he told her to undress, so she did, at which point he began stroking her leg. As he did this he asked, "Do you know what I am doing?". She said "Yes you're looking for abrasions in the skin." The doctor replies "err, yes yes I am". Next he began to fondle her breasts, he asked if she knew what he was doing, she said " Yes, you're checking for any abnormalities or lumps". The doctor agrees so he begins pumping away at her, he asks "Do you know what I am doing now?". With which she replies," Yes, you're getting Herpes"
Richard, tired with his job in the city decided to move up to highlands in the middle of nowhere. For months he didn't see a single person, early one evening there came a knock at the door. A giant ginger Scotsman stood filling the doorframe. "The names Malcolm. I live over the other side of that hill and I was planning a party and were wondering if yer would want to come?" " Definitely", said Richard. "I must warn you though there'll be some mighty serious drinking going on." Malcolm said grinning through his beard." That's no problem" said Richard, "and probably a punch-up likely as well", Richard replied" I'm sure I can handle myself!" Malcolm was about to leave when he said "Oh and I have seen some pretty wild sex at these parties of mine, so prepare yourself!!" Richard said," What time shall I come by?"."Oh whenever, after all its only going to be us two anyway."
A middle aged lady sits down on the bus next to a younger man, she sees him sneeze and then proceed to get a tissue out and 'clean up' under his trousers the woman exclaims," What do you think you re doing?". The man replies" Well I have a rare condition that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze". The lady replies," I'm sorry, how terrible for you! What are you taking for it?". To which the man says, "Pepper!"
A coach full of tourists were passing through a small Welsh town, one of the passengers spotted a sheep tied to a lamp post and asked if it had any significance. "Oh that," said the guide "that is the town Recreation Centre."
A Welshman is taking his driving test, "Can you make a U-turn?" asks the examiner "No, but I can make its eyes water!"
Mums have Mothering Sunday, Dads have Fathers Day and single guys have Palm Sunday.
What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm? A newlywed
What do you call a Welshman with one sheep under each arm? A pimp
What sex position produces the ugliest offspring? Ask your mum
What did the Nymphomaniac say when her dog started licking her face? Down boy
What's grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss? A Kidney Dialysis machine
How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw
What's pink and hangs out your pants? Your mum
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW owner? A porcupine has pricks on the outside
What did the the Buddhist say to the Hotdog seller? Make me one with everything
What's the connection between a fat bird and a moped?
They're both a great ride until your friends see you on one.
If mobile phones really do fry our brains, why do we keep them in our pockets?
Why I Walk (image - 18.8kb)
Airline Card (zipped image - 149kb)